Thursday, April 01, 2010

Insultingly Bad Thief

I regularly portray our neighbourhood as an existential vacuum bereft of all human activity, life and character, but I’m really just trying to keep property prices high by hiding the fact that it’s a criminal hot-bed. Here's the truth - last night I accidentally left my car open, and what do you know, some audacious larcenist took advantage during the night and pilfered my supply of quarters from the little compartment between the two front seats. Naturally I feel violated, and have just come back from six hours of counselling with the Montgomery County Police Department’s Victim Liaison Officer. But when she'd refused for the seventh time my impassioned plea to be gagged, handcuffed to a chair, and thrashed with her leather-bound portfolio outlining the sixteen stages of post-crime trauma, I decided to cut my losses and leave.

Given that apart from the odd shuffling dog and its owner there is rarely anyone stalking our streets after dark, I was surprised that someone had spotted the giveaway raised lock knob, and then bothered risking a look inside. I’d guess the perpetrator was a criminal virgin, likely aged 14-16, who impulsively stuffed his or her pockets with quarters, then panicked and ran – there were still a couple of bucks in silver left behind, and he or she didn’t bother to close the door. I only hope they spent it wisely on cider and cigarettes.

Like most teenagers, my petty thief has no taste. Insultingly, they ignored all the CDs in the car – Lucinda Williams’s throaty classic Car Wheels On A Gravel Road, Swedish dance goddess Annie’s poppy Don’t Stop, and the beautiful new Midlake release The Courage Of Others. Another survivor was Bizarro, The Wedding Present’s 1989 second album. I borrowed this off my mate Kenneth, because we’re going to see the band next week at The Black Cat, and they’re playing the album in its entirety. The CD was in his basement when his house burnt down a couple of weeks ago, but as we were touring the wreckage he found it in his football kit bag, and it still plays fine. Now it’s survived a double calamity - smoke-stained, and possibly fingered by a felon, but nonetheless bravely cranking out gritty northern English indie-pop on a perfect east coast, spring afternoon. Message to today's youth - if you're going to be a sneaky, snivelling little crook, at least nick something decent. If you don't know which is the best CD to steal, just knock on the door and ask.

8 comments:

sweetsinnergwen said...

How sad that today's youth have neither taste nor respect. Such a bummer...

Gorilla Bananas said...

You didn't steal the change yourself as a cry for attention, did you? I wouldn't blame you - the streets down your way sound pretty lonely..

The Birdwatcher said...

You just can't get a decent class of thief nowdays can you.

No Good Boyo said...

Some scrote plucked up the courage to rob my cassette collection on my last in our student hostel in Russia. He left REM, George Benson and various lady-friendly smoove stuff to make off with The Wonderful and Frightening World of The Fall and Hole by Scraping Foetus off the Wheel. I hope his girlfriend was impressed with his haul.

Mark Sanderson said...

One cold January morning this year I noticed something different about my Peugeot 306 estate. Somebody had used one of the larger features from the adjacent osteopath clinic garden's rockery to smash my back wind shield. Having made a collection from the laundrette the previous evening I was relieved to find that both the home and away kit of Burridge (my football team) remained in the boot.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

Gwen/Birdwatcher - maybe they didn't even know what CDs are. If it's not small and electronic, it's not recognised as being worth nicking.

GB - if I wanted attention, I'd have stolen more than a few quarters. As it was, I barely got the attention of the kids sitting in the back of the car. "Someone broke into my car!" Response: Oh. "They didn't steal my CDs!" Response: Who can blame them?

Boyo - you should put the kids to bed early one night and play a romantic mix compilation for Mrs Boyo alternating George Benson and Barry White with tracks by Jim Foetus and Mark E Smith. Let us know how the evening unfolds.

Mark - there was a ton of football gear in the back of my car too, all mercifully untouched. Yet further proof of the thieves' moral crapulence.

Nathan said...

The Wedding Present's Bizarro. I listened to this cassette (I am old) a lot on a road trip to my brother's (first) wedding. Irony? Great album but I wondered at the time what Mr. Gedge would right about if he was in a happy happy joy joy relationship.

Nathan said...

Umm, yeah. That would be what Mr. Gedge would WRITE about. This is how one writes with a five year old saying Dad? Dad? Dad? Dad?