Thursday, February 28, 2013

Hollywood Gears Up For Oscar Sequels

The movies - where historical accuracy fears to tread.
Hollywood is pondering how to cash in on the success of this year’s Oscar nominees due to the lack of any obvious sequels to the main contenders. Fortunately, the SAHIP blog’s film and media creative arm has been working overtime on some new ideas, all of which have now been bought up by the major studios. Expect to see these big screen follow-ups before the end of the year:

Argo Back For More
Feeling that their first escape was a bit of a breeze, CIA operative Tony Mendez smuggles the six Canadians he liberated from Iran back in to the country the following year to film a fake sequel to the fake sci-fi movie Argo. It’s easy to bribe the witless Iranian officials with free Argo mugs, posters and bobble-heads, because deep down they all want to be Americans really. Things almost go disastrously wrong when the crew tries to film an explicit lesbian sex scene at a mosque during Friday prayers, while the team later makes its narrow escape as Mendez takes on the Ayatollah Khomeini in dramatic hand-to-knife combat on the under-carriage of their departing Swissair jet. Based on a figment of reality.

Lincoln Rises Again
Written after the emergence of new (though currently unavailable) historical evidence that John Wilkes Booth’s shooting of Abraham Lincoln may not have been as successful as commonly thought, this movie charts the political advances made by the unstoppably progressive Lincoln as he rises from the dead three days after his ‘assassination’. Peeved by the country’s reluctance to truly accept blacks as equals, he seizes back the presidency under the moniker of his newly founded Black Power party, and institutes a minimum hourly wage of $15 for all freed slaves. While he’s at it, he persuades both Congress and the Senate to pass bills legalising gay marriage, legislating equal pay for

Friday, February 08, 2013

Plaudits For The Pensioner Who Pulverized Pizza Hut

"Oops, did I do that? Oh my!" (Pic: CAPT258)
Old people never seem to get the credit they deserve. This week an 86-year-old woman crashed her car into a Pizza Hut in Arlington, Virginia, and the story was presented as though this was all a terrible accident. The wayward octogenarian had lost control of her car after she "apparently confused the gas and brake pedals". I don't believe a word of it. She pranged the chain food outlet on purpose, and I don't blame her. Pizza Hut serves food so bad that I've seen liberated chickens strut out of there and straight back to their battery farms for better chow.

It's not just their scanty, cardboard-based pizzas that offend all right-tasting palettes. It's the miserable atmosphere, the stingy dimensions of the serve-yourself salad bowls, and the understandably depressed demeanours of their under-motivated staff that make visiting Pizza Hut akin to a gastronomic wake. That anyone voluntarily walks into this chain and hands over their own cash in exchange for a series of culinary insults testifies to the rock-bottom discernment of your average western gut. Thank heavens, some of us are fighting back. 

Our blue-rinse heroine should be given a public service award for literally trashing this anti-nutritional fodder stall of flavour disenfranchisement. Where a customer comment of 'Mediocre service' on the feedback form will win you Employee of the Month. Where a