Friday, April 29, 2011

Glorious Royal Wedding Memories

Lincolnshire potato does impression of Royal Knob
Today’s parade in London of chinless parasites witlessly waving at streets lined with gormless, flag-toting celebrants thriving on subservience to a dynastic vacuum brings to mind many fond memories of past occasions when the populace of Britain cheerfully stopped work for a day in favour of raising a toast to the future marital fuck-ups of serially dysfunctional aristocrats.

July 29, 1981: Chip and Di
Aged 16, Kev, Tim, his cousin Rob and I had just got our first ever 'proper' jobs, on the back end of a potato harvester sorting out stones and clods of mud from a passing conveyor belt of Lincolnshire’s signature vegetable. It was tedious, back-straining work, and the machine was towed up and down the fields by a tractor driven by a skinny, grinning YTS delinquent who cheerfully admitted that he was getting hitched the following Saturday because “ah got me bird up the spout”. His marriage probably still had more chance of surviving than the Wales’s.

Anyway, the day before the wedding (Chip and Di’s, not the tractor driver’s), our farmer
boss, Boy Fenwick, told us not to show up the following morning because it was a national holiday. We were all devastated at losing ten quid in wages, and spent the free day hanging around and swearing at the monarchy for hitting our pockets. Meanwhile, at home (and this in the days before many people had VCRs) my Mum was recording the event using her instamatic camera, and ended up with 24 fine shots of a blank television screen in the corner of our living room. These limited edition symbols of modern Britain’s constitutional bankruptcy would be worth a bomb nowadays, if only she hadn’t chucked them all out.

July 23, 1986: Andy and The Ferg
I’d just returned from a year abroad in a modern nation state (Germany), and took a trip to Birmingham flat-hunting for my final year of study in tatty, Thatcher-wracked England. I was staying with friends, who were trying to watch the wedding with ironic, student-like detachment, but really they just wanted to watch it like everyone else, their morbid fascination having been engineered against their will by a universally erect media. I lay on the sofa reading the latest issue of the New Musical Express.

When they finally turned it off after several hours so that we could inevitably head down the pub, one of them said, “I was watching you – you actually didn’t look up at the TV screen once.” A few months later I’d given up the crappy bedsit I’d found that week, and we moved in together. So the bumptious right-wing prick known as the Duke of York, and his freeloading, toe-sucked dream princess did actually set some romance in motion that day.

Long may they reign over us. Because we’re British, and too lazy to cut off their useless, empty heads.

4 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've just heard that Kate is now the Duchess of Cambridge rather than Princess Kathryn. The poor girl must feel shortchanged. What's the point of marrying a prince if you don't become a princess? I still love her for all the happiness she has brought to the crowds (including many American tourists). I am sure, in time, that you will learn to love her too.

tom.ato said...

Blimey, Mr Pop. 'oo rattled YOUR cage? The missus and I quite enjoyed the spectacle, seeing all the minor royals with their 'orrible fashion gaffes and all the toffs vying for the best seats. Not that anyone in the nave could see a bloomin' thing!! Far better on the telly. Defo the feel-good factor for the nation tho'.

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

"Defo the feel-good factor for the nation tho'." Blimey luvaduck tom.ato, that doesn't actually mean anything, does it? Even overlooking the absence of a verb, it sums up the sort of nebulous defence people put up for the existence of the royal family. It's feel-good, innit. Good of you to speak on behalf of "the nation", but don't forget the rest of the country nurturing its feel-shit factor.

No Good Boyo said...

GB's right about it being a comedown for Kate. My daughter Arianrhod feels the same. Duchesses, after all, are dowagers who smell faintly of lavender, piss and footmen.

I don't remember Andrew getting married. I was just back from a year in the Glorious Soviet Union and still full of Socialist vodka, I suspect.

I was at home when Chaz'n'Di got hitched. I watched it with my parents and felt vaguely sorry for them both. Spooky.