Thursday, February 28, 2013

Hollywood Gears Up For Oscar Sequels

The movies - where historical accuracy fears to tread.
Hollywood is pondering how to cash in on the success of this year’s Oscar nominees due to the lack of any obvious sequels to the main contenders. Fortunately, the SAHIP blog’s film and media creative arm has been working overtime on some new ideas, all of which have now been bought up by the major studios. Expect to see these big screen follow-ups before the end of the year:

Argo Back For More
Feeling that their first escape was a bit of a breeze, CIA operative Tony Mendez smuggles the six Canadians he liberated from Iran back in to the country the following year to film a fake sequel to the fake sci-fi movie Argo. It’s easy to bribe the witless Iranian officials with free Argo mugs, posters and bobble-heads, because deep down they all want to be Americans really. Things almost go disastrously wrong when the crew tries to film an explicit lesbian sex scene at a mosque during Friday prayers, while the team later makes its narrow escape as Mendez takes on the Ayatollah Khomeini in dramatic hand-to-knife combat on the under-carriage of their departing Swissair jet. Based on a figment of reality.

Lincoln Rises Again
Written after the emergence of new (though currently unavailable) historical evidence that John Wilkes Booth’s shooting of Abraham Lincoln may not have been as successful as commonly thought, this movie charts the political advances made by the unstoppably progressive Lincoln as he rises from the dead three days after his ‘assassination’. Peeved by the country’s reluctance to truly accept blacks as equals, he seizes back the presidency under the moniker of his newly founded Black Power party, and institutes a minimum hourly wage of $15 for all freed slaves. While he’s at it, he persuades both Congress and the Senate to pass bills legalising gay marriage, legislating equal pay for
women, severely curbing the right to bear arms, and instigating access to universal health care and education regardless of income or background. And all of this while openly living with his African American male lover, with whom he fathers two sons – Malcolm X and the Reverend Martin Luther King Junior. Screenwriter Tony Kushner says, “Any bitter, jealous fool who quibbles about minor inaccuracies in this script simply wasn’t there.”

Zero Dark Thirty-One
Looking for a landmark moment in the second term of his presidency to cement his legacy as a Nobel Peace Prize winner, US commander-in-chief Barack Obama prays to Allah to reincarnate Osama Bin Laden so that he can target Al Qaeda’s top man once more, and subsequently look good on the news. Luckily, there are already thousands of radical Al Qaeda operatives who have been spawned thanks to previous US military operations, so the President can while away tedious state occasions using his hand-held Drone Console to launch a wave of new attacks from the safety of his dinner table. Which, remarkably, leads to yet more Al Qaeda operatives, so it’s a win-win for both sides. Sample dialogueArmy Chief of Staff: Mr. President, we’ve located a terrorist on a donkey in northern Afghanistan. President (chuckling): Well, how about I call him on my drone? Denounced by the CIA as not violent enough.

Still Les Misérables
Set in Paris during the 1968 student riots, Anne Hathaway stars as a strident young Marxist-feminist determined to make the world a better place, if she can only stop crying for long enough. To better release her emotions, she begins to publicly sing agit-prop melodies to speed up the revolution, only to find that after ten minutes the streets have been miraculously cleared. Students and riot police alike. All gone. Hiding in cafés and under covers. Features popular hit ‘I Sang A Nightmare’.

Django Unchained 2
In this Tarantino-directed sequel, former slave and bounty hunter Django kills every single white person south of the Mason-Dixon line (with each shooting depicted in loving slow motion), and establishes a system of communal farms for the liberated masses run along collective anarchist principles. He then heads on a lecture tour of the European colonies, advising locals on how effectively to deal with their own master-servant problems, providing practical help whenever necessary (which it is, always). “Two severed thumbs up for this 14-hour splatterfest,” Roger Ebert.

Life of Si
Extraordinary biopic of pop mogul Simon Cowell, who finds himself stranded alone in a life-boat with a tiger after a fracas with his staff over the “unacceptable” quality of service on his luxury yacht. Cowell criticises the tiger’s growling as “completely irrelevant to today’s pop market”, and berates the animal for failing to discard “that ghastly, garish 1970s fur outfit”. Rather than bite Cowell’s head off and risk having to taste whatever foul and noxious substance it is that courses through the bilious brain of Britain’s Top Wanker, the tiger opts to throw itself off the side of the boat and drown, prompting the talent show judge to shake his head in disbelief at the tiger’s propensity to quit so easily. Like Cowell, unrated.