Doing The Irony

The legs of Modern Man
 (pic: Paul Wetherell)

The latest trends in fashion have a habit of passing me by. This has saved me a ton of money down the decades, but has also left me feeling awfully excluded. From what, I’m not quite sure.

Fortunately, at the age of 47 I’ve just found out where to keep up with What’s New In Threads. It’s a big fat wedge of processed tree inside my Sunday edition of the New York Times called ‘T’. What does ‘T’ stand for? I don’t know, but I’ve a feeling it would be unstylish to ask. 

Inside the latest edition from last weekend is a photo feature called The Modern Man. This is the perfect guide for those of us who fear being laughed at in public by gangs of teenagers because we look like old fuddy-duddies. And here’s what you need to know: “From a clean shave to black socks with bare legs, there’s a frank irony to dressing stylishly today.”

The chosen model looks barely old enough to shave at all (oh, the irony). He’s wearing a $1400 plain white Prada shirt, the frank irony being that you could probably get a couple of dozen plain white shirts at less modern prices if you chose a different brand. But no one’s claiming that being authentically modern is a cheap affair.

Take our picture above, which is from the same feature. The socks (Falke) are $38, the shorts (Krisvanassche, as if you didn’t know) are “about $625”, and the sneakers
(Barneys New York Exclusive Diemme) are $405. That’s a total of $1,068 to look like what those ignorant souls outside of fashion circles commonly call “a complete twat”.  

Also shown in the feature is a Louis Vuitton jacket ($1,925) under the sub-heading “Outerwear as Indoor Wear”. Get it? These crazy cats will show up at your next loft party wearing nothing but a vest, and then put their jackets on after they’ve walked through the door. Don’t offer them cheesy snacks, because these crown princes of irony will already have eaten some on their way. All you’ll need to do is guide them to the bathroom so they can walk into the shower and simulate rainfall to complete what voguish insiders are calling the Great Circle of Irony. 

Finally, fellow modern men, if you wear a necklace, don’t expose it all. But don’t hide it completely either. What frankly ironic modern man is showing, reportedly, is just “a hint of chain” (either from Gucci at $415, or a comparative snip of a thing from Dior Homme at $370). Seems from the picture you have to kind of half-drape it over the V-neck of a sweater. It’s perhaps best to practice this at home before you venture out into public and find that the act of walking down the street has dislodged the jewelry, and those snickering teenage hordes cruelly pounce to humiliate you by shouting out loud, “Lot of chain you’re showing there, dude. A lot of chain. We thought you were an old-fashioned toilet waiting to be flushed ha ha ha.”

So, to summarise – modern man wears shorts outside where it’s cold, and a jacket indoors where it’s warm, while spending thousands of dollars. Tsk, and to think some people say there’s no point reading the papers any more.